yep thats what it is.
life. a big wad of chewed up bubble gum. sweet and juicy..the more you chew, the more it hurts. then its so bland and hard you have to spit it out. give your jaw a rest. then you do it all over again. starting with the same cycle. sweet, juicy, chew, chew, blow, chew, hard, harder,boring, bland, hurting, spit out. and repeat.
whats up with that? whoever invented the cycle of life sucks ballz. why is life such a slippery slope? the eb and flow can be so sweet and yet so hard.
and just like that i find myself back at this blogg flogg thing. and life has twisted and turned since ive last been here. so much so that i revel and laugh in aw of the posts i left 4 months back...not really sure who i was. confused for sure. but so raw. now i sit here with the first urge to write in months. and have so much to say. but no appropriate words to say it in.
brain like a cob web. sitting here. trying to dust out all the thoughts into meaning. a bag full of experiences on my back and a mouth full of empty words. just pure energy. mad, pure, tangled, resfreshed, overwhellmed, calm engery. ballz. i think that word is funny. being a woman is cooler. i would much rather have boobs than balls. just saying you have balls is funny. but boobs. are so much more high quality sounding. balls? hmmm. no.
and yet there it is. the sum of my current present stringged togeher moments of the past 2 months. there you have it ladies and men. the eb and flow of my brain. my existence. balls, boobs and purity.
a part of me feels the most content and emerged in love and silence than ever before. the other part of me. well is emerged in the perils of time and deadlines, frustration and confusion to the highest. a damn hazzy fog out of one eye and the clearest of clear crisp mornings out the other eye.
a part of me wants to say eff it all and not believe in anything and do nothing. be completley and utterly selfish and indulge in my impulses and desires..the easy path. the other part of me wants to give, serve, offer, create and breathe. im torn. but not really. when i get in these moods im playing dress up. its fun. i like to get pissed and dark and completely bask in the dark moonless nights and think mean thoughts and be selfish and pitty the world. its fun to play this role every once in awhile. but an even bigger part of my soul or whatever you call it...self...knows it pretend. knows there is no point, no end to that path. leading to nothing. but misery, guilt and gross gross sticky hell.
ive experienced something so profound and beyond this world recently. words, emotions, thoughts, things of this world cannot expain. something i have not even got my mind to wrap around. THIS is why i am so so so so deeply changed. and yet still dancing with the past and habbits and patterns to test my boundaries. see how strong i really am. see how long it takes me to fight back and rebound to a higher being....before allowing myself to crash abd burn. a dance with death per say. why am i on this earth. in this year. with these people. in this mind, body, identity. who am i? what is it that drives everything?
old belief systems. CRASHING down. why do i hold back? why does a part of me hold back to others. hide. and seek. only show bits and pieces. some of my best friends are madly in love. getting married. getting OLD. and yet here i lay. with only bits and crumbles of possible love. nothing real. only drops. not even that. why do i hold back. still. yet still here i am. after i have thought ive broken down barriers. i still hold the effing wall of china around my heart. and i trick myself to think that it has fallen. and yet at times i see it is still there. im ready to hand over my heart. and go home.
my puny little thoughts and silly contemplations are so minute in the whole spectrum. there are poor poor souls all around us who dont even know what it means to be loved. have a bed to sleep in. live a day in a safe environment. and here i sit. during times like these.... thinking....me me me. this is not what i want to stand for. i want something greater. refuse to dive down the dark path of self pitty.
annoyed at the pointless acts of others and myself. why do humans find themselves so masked. so fooled. so tricked. by their own minds. who am i to sit here on this pedestal and judge others acts as pointless. is there even a lesson? at times i think not. there really is only one. no judging. none. we. I. singular. are the ones who judge. hold myself back.
i do not know. the more and more i experience and become fulfilled internally. the more and more and MORE i become confused. to me there is one ingredient that makes up life. and that is LOVE. love. love. love. such a beautiful word. love binds everything. love drives hate. sorrow. sadness. emptiness. bliss. violence, revenge. pitty. passion.
Love is not an emotion. it is existence. love is so much more than a "soulmate." how can people have a "soulmate" when they havent even met their own soul yet?
i do not know. who am i to judge. i have never met my "soulmate." a part of me worries that i have pushed some away. for a fear of letting people in. and now i am discovering this. this silly pattern of my past. only really able to laugh at it. laugh it away. until the moment comes when i become one. when i will put a stick of new gum in my mouth to experince the sweet, juicy expericnce that life and gum have to offer. only hoping that the flavor will last long. forever. living in denial that eventually it will come to an end for whatever reason. and it to will be spit out.
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