I GOT THE JOB!!!!!!

i am so excited right now. i just got hired to be a film assistant for the UNR athletic department! I get to go to all the football and basketball games and practices to film plays and highlights!! not only to i get to use the best camera and editing equipment..i get to learn random sports facts i never thought i would need to know. like defense and offense. i guess all those nights growing up watching basketball and football with my brother and dad prove worthy!!
:)
(GO NEVADA!!)

definitely NOT missing out. gross. gag.

i dont think one person the entire night said anything of substance...the closest i got was a conversation on vampires...oh yeah and then acid...? and the most i got from the night was a pant leg drenched in beer...lungs full of dirty smoke...and a mind full of pointless thoughts. i feel like a grandma. but i WOULD actually rather be a grandma sitting at home with 50 cats filling out crosswords and watching wheel of fortune than at a meat head, smoke infested, dirt market. yuck. i for sure don't miss drinking and all the pointless actions involved.
***side-note.im not an anti-drinking nazi. but for sure after being surrounded by idiodic actions it really makes me thankful i prefer gallons and gallons of water over anything else. a perfect night. is a night snuggled up at home in my cozy pj's, velvet blanket, drinking tea, reading, watching a movie or just hangin..i know im cool and you want to be me.

magnolia burn. i bought a purse today that looks like fruit stripped gum. life is a tangle.

yep thats what it is.
life. a big wad of chewed up bubble gum. sweet and juicy..the more you chew, the more it hurts. then its so bland and hard you have to spit it out. give your jaw a rest. then you do it all over again. starting with the same cycle. sweet, juicy, chew, chew, blow, chew, hard, harder,boring, bland, hurting, spit out. and repeat.
whats up with that? whoever invented the cycle of life sucks ballz. why is life such a slippery slope? the eb and flow can be so sweet and yet so hard.

and just like that i find myself back at this blogg flogg thing. and life has twisted and turned since ive last been here. so much so that i revel and laugh in aw of the posts i left 4 months back...not really sure who i was. confused for sure. but so raw. now i sit here with the first urge to write in months. and have so much to say. but no appropriate words to say it in.

brain like a cob web. sitting here. trying to dust out all the thoughts into meaning. a bag full of experiences on my back and a mouth full of empty words. just pure energy. mad, pure, tangled, resfreshed, overwhellmed, calm engery. ballz. i think that word is funny. being a woman is cooler. i would much rather have boobs than balls. just saying you have balls is funny. but boobs. are so much more high quality sounding. balls? hmmm. no.

and yet there it is. the sum of my current present stringged togeher moments of the past 2 months. there you have it ladies and men. the eb and flow of my brain. my existence. balls, boobs and purity.

a part of me feels the most content and emerged in love and silence than ever before. the other part of me. well is emerged in the perils of time and deadlines, frustration and confusion to the highest. a damn hazzy fog out of one eye and the clearest of clear crisp mornings out the other eye.

a part of me wants to say eff it all and not believe in anything and do nothing. be completley and utterly selfish and indulge in my impulses and desires..the easy path. the other part of me wants to give, serve, offer, create and breathe. im torn. but not really. when i get in these moods im playing dress up. its fun. i like to get pissed and dark and completely bask in the dark moonless nights and think mean thoughts and be selfish and pitty the world. its fun to play this role every once in awhile. but an even bigger part of my soul or whatever you call it...self...knows it pretend. knows there is no point, no end to that path. leading to nothing. but misery, guilt and gross gross sticky hell.

ive experienced something so profound and beyond this world recently. words, emotions, thoughts, things of this world cannot expain. something i have not even got my mind to wrap around. THIS is why i am so so so so deeply changed. and yet still dancing with the past and habbits and patterns to test my boundaries. see how strong i really am. see how long it takes me to fight back and rebound to a higher being....before allowing myself to crash abd burn. a dance with death per say. why am i on this earth. in this year. with these people. in this mind, body, identity. who am i? what is it that drives everything?

old belief systems. CRASHING down. why do i hold back? why does a part of me hold back to others. hide. and seek. only show bits and pieces. some of my best friends are madly in love. getting married. getting OLD. and yet here i lay. with only bits and crumbles of possible love. nothing real. only drops. not even that. why do i hold back. still. yet still here i am. after i have thought ive broken down barriers. i still hold the effing wall of china around my heart. and i trick myself to think that it has fallen. and yet at times i see it is still there. im ready to hand over my heart. and go home.

my puny little thoughts and silly contemplations are so minute in the whole spectrum. there are poor poor souls all around us who dont even know what it means to be loved. have a bed to sleep in. live a day in a safe environment. and here i sit. during times like these.... thinking....me me me. this is not what i want to stand for. i want something greater. refuse to dive down the dark path of self pitty.

annoyed at the pointless acts of others and myself. why do humans find themselves so masked. so fooled. so tricked. by their own minds. who am i to sit here on this pedestal and judge others acts as pointless. is there even a lesson? at times i think not. there really is only one. no judging. none. we. I. singular. are the ones who judge. hold myself back.

i do not know. the more and more i experience and become fulfilled internally. the more and more and MORE i become confused. to me there is one ingredient that makes up life. and that is LOVE. love. love. love. such a beautiful word. love binds everything. love drives hate. sorrow. sadness. emptiness. bliss. violence, revenge. pitty. passion.

Love is not an emotion. it is existence. love is so much more than a "soulmate." how can people have a "soulmate" when they havent even met their own soul yet?
i do not know. who am i to judge. i have never met my "soulmate." a part of me worries that i have pushed some away. for a fear of letting people in. and now i am discovering this. this silly pattern of my past. only really able to laugh at it. laugh it away. until the moment comes when i become one. when i will put a stick of new gum in my mouth to experince the sweet, juicy expericnce that life and gum have to offer. only hoping that the flavor will last long. forever. living in denial that eventually it will come to an end for whatever reason. and it to will be spit out.

ROARRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!

i wish i was a lion right now so i could roar and roar and ROOOOAAAAAAARRRRrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!
rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

burnt.

urrrrrrrrrgggh. i leave 2morrow night for nyc and then montreal. i a excited but if the opportunity were to present itself right now...i dont know if id go. its been such an effing STRESS case to get this whole thing organized! i am sooo drained. i just had the hardest semester of my life. and then immediatley after it ended ive been moving and getting ready for this summer. im not so sure if i am really excited anymore about the whole thing. i kinda just wish i was staying in reno working and saving money. but i am already too deep in so i may as well just go with the flow. sometimes i annoy myself how i am always on the go and i just cant be "normal"....like why in the hell am i constantly searching out new adventures...its fun but why cant i just be happy with staying in reno for the summer?? why do i have to pack all my shit up and jet to a different country??! i exhaust myself sometimes. i just sometimes wish i wasnt sooo extreme. i need to be more balanced. i dont really know what i want right now. i need to effing relax. i feel my brain has been full speed since january. hopefully i will learn a lot this summer about gardening and more. i am nervous to meet the other interns. i hope they arent weird hippys. that would just be the cherry on top. my brain/body is an ice cube right now and i jsut need to let them melt. im way to caught up in my thoughts/emotions right now. i need to lettttt goooooooooooo.
well heres to a mysterios summer. that i hope will be amazing. i want to fast forward right now to the end of the internship...its going to be a lot of work and i hope i have it in me. wish me luck blog.

cut me loose.

i just dont know whats going down!! my best frined/cousin growing up who i have some of my favorite memories with and who is my current roomate just informed me that she is getting married this summer!! WHHHAATTTTTTT!!!!!!! shes 2 months younger than me! weve gone through every stage in life together. i know everything about her and she me. its just sooooooooo weird! i love her soon to be hubby. theyve been together 4 years and we all love him...couldnt ask for a cooler, sweeter, more fun guy EVER but its just sooooo weird. when thinkn we're at the age that we can do this and its OK. im just a lil weirded out. i mean im still in school...never have had a "serious" love and here one of my best cousins/friends is getting married!!! i remember walking around with our moms high heels on playing dress up with her when we were 4...time flies and its scary!!
sometimes i wish i could just rewind it all and relive my most cherished memories. and really let them soak in...instead of just letting them fly by me. it makes me sad. but i am so excited to continue to make more memories. lately i have had a deep rooted fear in me. i've been having trouble sleeping lately. ive never had this problem...hahah. normally i love sleep. but i cant seem to just "let go" lately. i feel to wound up. maybe its just the intense, relentless semester i've been having. its been nonstop deadlines and tests. and ive been trying to be on my game this semester...and its drained me for all ive got. on top of this...ive just been so worried about things that i have NO control over....like whats the future holds as far as life, death, family, just weird topics. im at a point in my life right now where i dont know if im coming or going. im just going with the motions and throwing myself into certain situations and i feel so alive and like something beautiful is coming yet also i feel the most resistance ive ever experienced. im just so worried to leave my family and want everything to be ok. im not so much ever worried about myself...ill figure my own shit our...rather i find myself worried about my family and if theyll be ok without me when i leave and start my own life. but of course they will....its all just a mental hang up. they are all adults and really dont need me to look after them. im so ready to go and become something ive always wanted more than ive ever been. im ready to go out and experience new things, new people, new situations, yet im still death gripping my past and life as i know it and fighting with all my might not to let go. i dont know why. ive found in the past the things i most resist end up being the most rewarding in the end. and with me getting ready to move to canada for the summer....i am sooo scared. i dont know why. ill be doing one of my passions (gardening and being outside) yet i am soooo scared. a part of me just wants to stay in reno and have a very ordinary, "comfortable" summer...that ive always had with family and friends. but i know its time for me to break away and go partake in something that will make an impact not only on myself but more importantly serve the earth and and the people on it. thats why we're here...right? or id like to believe so. i want to make a difference. and i think i am taking a step in the right direction. however there are a few things i know i will miss when i am living at the ashram this summer like, caffine, sugar, sleeping in, lake tahoe in june and july, being able to do what i want when i want....among many many more things.....but all the things i mention arent really necessarily good for me...and i know i will benefit from not drinking caffine...or eating any fake sugar or sleeping in...so i will survive.
plus i will be getting to go back to new york for a few weeks after and just completely be a nomad before i take part in a cross country road trip back to reno with my friend leda. so all in all i think i am in for a really fun summer and i need to just quit worrying.
for now i need to go to sleep. i have all toooo much studying to do tomorrow.
peace.

worry.

latley i have been really worried about a lot of things. this morning i cam accross this really beautiful quote...and it helped.

You have nothing to lose. All that you can lose is your tension and your worry, your little-mindedness, fear, and anxiety. And fear and anxiety, tension and worry in the small, little mind will keep the mind from being free, will keep the mind from experiencing its infinite potential, will keep the mind from becoming more powerful on this planet.
- Sri Sri Ravi Shankar

adios biggest lil city~

seee ya. im buying a one way ticket tonight to new york city!! i leave on may 22...then im taking a train straight from n'yalk to montreal!! i cant wait. im ready for my thumbs to turn green and start gettin dirty in the soil!!!
come visit me...ill be in qubec and montreal allll summa. and want to have visitors.
peeeeeeeeeeace.

pace out.

well. im outta her.
i just packed my bag....and im leavin town for the night. driving to San Fran solo as a rolo. im excited and hope my car makes it. ive got good tunes ready...and im so excited to get out of reno for the weekend and enjoy some san franKISSco air and sunshine :)
wish me luck. im not tellin no one im leavin. just this blog. so yeah no one.
peeeeeeeeeeeeace.

sangria-lime glow.

the air smelled of rose,
honey, sunblock and wet lawns.
if a there was a color to describe the moment..
it would be coral, rose and lime green.
everything was a daze...in a midst of fog.
the energy was intense yet what ive only dared to dream.
my heart beating fast in my chest.
i could feel my blood pulsing.
i was relaxed yet nervous.
i could hear the crickets chirrping and the
frogs talking.
i heard your voice faint...getting closer.
you were laughing. i could tell you were
happy.
i laid there in the rose colored ambiance.
could still taste the sweet
lingering sangria on my
lips.
the lights from the flame flickerd.
your voice grew closer and louder.
i could hear your footsteps.
i waited.
not expecting.
the williow trees shook in
grace and love.
you found me.
i sat there. silent.
staring into your eyes.
gold specks were floating in
the space
between us.
not knowing where we were headed.
i sensed your energy.
you were beautiful.
we were beautiful.
electric.
your face reflected the soft blue light
from the swimming pool.
we were still.
you.
me.
us.
the moon.
words did not exist.
time was false.
the only thing that
was real.
was the summer energy
of love and lust.
no second guessing.
no mind.
just pure actions.
flow.
we kissed. your lips
were soft.
as pillows.
you smelled of cotton candy and
tasted like
lime.
our
bare, summer skin brushing eachother.
we were no age.
no identity.
just pure love.
pure. movement.
nothing less.
nothing more.
the only thought that crossed our
minds was
why it took
us so long
to realize
this.
no expectations for
future. the
future did not
exist.
present moment.
was all that was.
the stars smiled down
on us.
relieved that
no more wishes would be
asked.
they had granted
the wish
that had been
asked
many times over.
the glow of the
night still lives
in me.

in the walls.

In the walls,in the fall, I can see them all
It took a while for me to know I am not alone

Take your time, take a breathe, disregard the rest
The falling chains, the falling lies, make pretend your mine
It took a while for me to know I am not alone

Well I want to wake from my disease
And the cure is lying next to me

And I'm trying so hard, yes I'm trying to be
What your dreaming of,
What your dreaming of....
Stay..
stay awake stay alive
It's the only breathe you'll take
When ya go.

idle advice.

the following is an email chain between myself and pamela parker. one of my biggest idles in life. i met her when i was a senior in high school. she and her husband had just opened the two bikram studios in reno and sparks. i had only taken a few yoga classes before i met her...and she completley changed my life. if it wasnt for pam...i wouldnt be into yoga and i woudlnt be interested in the business world. she is one of the smartest, powerful, most talented women i have ever met. she inspired me more i thought possible.
not only did she graduate from stanford top of her class but she has her MBA, CPA and has started a own world reknown shoe company, ariat international. her husband is one of the big names behind rebok shoes and the two of them are amazing. she has also worked for the country of england and wrote many books...just to name a few. she was diagnosed with cancer amidst her business success and sold her shoe company and went to a bikram yoga training to become a certified instructor. she since then opened yoga studios with her husband in reno, sparks, and boston. she ended up selling the yoga studios a few years back and now is back in the shoe industry.
i am forever grateful to have met pam and her husband. they took me in at such a young age and taught me so much about business and opened my eyes to the whole side of hoslistic healing and eastern practices such as yoga. i only hope to one day impact people...the way pam has impacted my life.
i havent heard from pam in a couple years...then just today i recieved an email from her. i was so excited....i want to share her advice and love.

Hello Pam!

It is sooo wonderful to hear from you!! I think about you often. How are you? Where are you and what are you up to?

I am well, I am getting to ready to graduate in December with a degree in business/marketing. My plan is to move...I was in NYC over spring break and fell in love with it back there. So I am heavily considering moving back east...to look for a job.

Reno is booming. Bikram is very popular...I havent been in awhile. I went and got certified in Hatha Yoga last year. Although I am still really wanting to get my Bikram certification....who knows...maybe after graduation? I hear its in Mexico now.

How is Steve and Jeff? Do you know what Katie is up to??? I miss all of you very much.

Hope to hear from you soon :)

Love and Light,

Jayne

her response:

Hi Jayne

Steve and I are back in the shoe business and will be living near Portland because it is too hard to travel to Asia from Reno and too expensive in California. I did a summer in New York but I could not live there - too cold and too many people. I suggest you read the books Atlas Shrugged, The World is Flat and Stay Mad for Life. I was consulting to a company that was at the base of the world trade center when it was attacked. That was why Steve and I did the yoga in the first place. Dan has a studio in New York so you might want to look him up as he loves New York.

I am in Kona right now trying to rest a little before we move. My mother, grandmother and god father all died within the last year or so. Life changes very fast.

Take a self defense class if you are going to live in New York, carry pepper spray and always carry two wallets so that when you are mugged you can give them the fake wallet (but make sure it has $20 in it or they will kill you for tricking them). Just prepare yourself and you will be fine.

I am starting another company that will be focused on some stories I am writing. Portland is a very artistic yet high tech place.

Be well and stay in touch

pam


(words cannot describe how much i love pam. she has been such a gift in my life.)

p.s.

i should be studying calculus right now. but instead i am wanting to share with the world my infatuation for scruffy boys. lately there is something so hot to me...when i see a guy who hasnt shaved in days and hair is messy and is dirty. i dont know why. its just hot.

i judge hard. and i hate it.

the more and more i observe my thoughts i cant believe what a hypocrite i can be. recently i was driving and i saw a girl who just looking at annoyed me. she was driving crappy and her sunglasses were really ugly. less than two nano seconds later i saw a different girl who i know from yoga and the art of living and i smiled and my mood shifted instantly from annoyed/judgemental to loving. but the truth is i dont even know the girl who made me smile...other than the fact i see her weekly at meditation/yoga. ive prob exchaged less than 100 words wirh her in my entire life. and the girl who annoyed me...i have no clue what type of person she is....but because i was in a bad mood i really didnt like her. and just because i recognized the other girl from yoga i assumed that she is likeable and worthy. its horrible.

another one that is really bizzare...is lately when i see someone with a disability my heart swells with compassion, patience and love. then i can turn around and think horrible thoughts on someone who looks completley normal...just because they rub me the wrong way...or are doing something that i consider not ok or not what i personally agree with or like.
i really hate that i do this. i can act so rude to the ones who are closest to me...and love me so much...but then be so nice to someone who could care less about me. why? why is this?
i hate it. it the nature of the mind to judge. all humans do it. we need it for survival...but its interesting when you observe how harshly you judge and why you judge. just on observation. i am not going to change over night. but at least i am aware.
why is it so easy to love those who we dont know. yet when it comes to loving the ones who need us it can be so trying?

can we meet again?

they keep getting more and more complex.
last night. i was on a ferris wheel in the ocean.
the wheel tipped over and people were
dying and drowning.
i was running and trying to
aviod it.
a cruise ship was flying in the sky.
i was trying to run.
but the seams of my boots were
coming apart.
i was crying.
looking for my mom
and brother.

place where the space makes for a dream.

im freaking out. this is all to sureal. i dont know how to organize my thoughts lately. i am all over the place. like splatter paint. i used to be like a smooth water color. now? i am like a big kadinsky. a freaky whirl of color. and crazy spots. everywhere. i just dont know where i am going and what i am thinking. im in a place where the space makes for a dream. im having a hard time discoverin a new direction. i want to go every direction. feel like i am being pulled to every corner. of every thought.
today was the weirdest of weird. i havent had a day like today in quite awhile. i used to have these spells growing up where i would be paralyzed by the inablility to make a decision. i would get too confused and end up making no decision. i think its cause i am so tierd latley. and plauged by my thoughts or lack of that i am feeling this way. something is seriously happening within me. i love it and i loathe it. i have no clue..no clue. no clue where i am headed. no clue. no clue what to expect. i could be married off a year from now to a prince in a far away land in russia...for all i know. and really if the situation presented itself. i could do it. cause nothing here would be stopping me. what in the hell is this whole thing called life all about???? ive been presented with so many different theories outlooks ideas..whatever you want to call it. i am at a halt. i have no clue what to think. i just know that in the whole scheme of things. i am so small. that my actions. my thoughts. my awareness is so minute. in the overlook of existence. i am paralyzed by this and i am exhilerated by this. depends on my mood.
like i mentioned earlier. i have been very drained lately due to my crazy schedule. im not concerned though. cause soon school will be over. and i will look back and miss these crazy days of deadlines and all nighters. and soon summer will be here. and i will find myself relaxed laying on the cool grass on a summers night looking up at the stars.....not even concerned with school or classes...and just being. so i am not concerned with feeling this way for now it will pass. but it is not school and the stress from it that causes me to be where i am right now. it is my own inner shifting and turomoil that i am sifting through that is causing me to feel the way i feel.
i have not been meditating lately or practicing much yoga. i have been completely detached from all that. i dont know why. i feel very peaceful and content though. i am basically having no desire for it. i dont know why. maybe this is why my brain in moving at an all time high.
it occured to me tonight that i am getting old. i am already 22. i cannot believe this. i am old enough to be married. i am old enough to have a child and not have people consider that unexceptable. this freaks me out. i still feel like i have so much growing to do.
people are moving. moving on. starting their own lives. best friends are finding true love. family is aging. time is really passing by so quickly. this scares me. i want to hold on. not let go. my best friend and i were talking today and she was saying how she wants to have children by the time she is 30. and that she would love it if we were pregnant at the same time. this freaked me out. what?! that is only 7 years away. i could not believe this. children. yes i want them. i already know i want to name my first born brooklyn...but wow in less than 10 years i could have kids. my life is flying past me. and i think why i am freakin so hard latley and really feeling like i have never felt before. is because i am coming to terms with this. school is coming close to an end. all the people i have gotten so used to over the past 5, 10, 15+ years are gone.. moving on....and well now i am moving on too. and i know that the majority of them i will loose contact with. and this is so sad to me. why?
the other side of me is so ready to detatch myself from all this. start the rest of my life. but to do this. i must face the present moment. cause the only way i will get into the future is by living in the present moment. the future is nothing but a bunch of presesnt moments that are all linked to eachother. never stopping. never looking back.
today i was in a weird mood. i woke up this way. i felt very out of it. maybe it was due to the fact i had a cloud over my head of the stuff i needed to get done on my one day of rest...but for whatever reason....i just could not get motivated. i hung out with my best friend for the day. we both get in these moods time to time. and when we come into eachothers company when we are like this. then watch out...cause it it one big procrastination fest...filled with everything except with what we are avoiding. in my case school. cleaning. and working out. in her case school and the BF. we ended up sitting in her car for almost 2 hours talking. be lame. making up scenarios. being dorks. then i had to get freaky. and when i feel like everything is stagnant in my life. i feel like i have to do something really crazy to spice it up. so i suggested that we go and get something periced. since i could never get a tattoo. (cause i have a weird feeling that if i did i wouldnt be able to stop...im a weird impulsive person. and i would take it overboard...and then get super bummed i did...cause i would get sick of them...and have a panic attack that it was on me for life.....so ive banned myself from tatoos for now. plus to me there is nothing more sexy than being pure and natural with the body and leaving it as is). however today i suggested that we go and get peirced. she agreed and we got all excited and rushed down to the shop. we decided i would get my monroe and she would get her treg's. we got there and i started to freak. cause the guys were all hyper and they were smoking ciggarettes and i grossed out. so automatically i freaked. and she told me to calm down and get outta my head. so i did. and i was about to get it done. then i backed out. ive always wanted my monroe peirced...but i thought about the scar it would leave when i take it out. and i just couldnt scar my face like that. all for a silly little pericing...that i would get sick of in a few months. im glad i didnt cuase afterwards i asked my brothers what they thought of that pericing and they both said it looked trashy on girls. so im glad.

ghetto bootie blues.

ahhhhhhhhdlkf asdk hf!

escape.

my bed= my sanctuary.
my dreams have been so weird latley.
i keep dreaming of planes and
helicopters.
last i was a child again.
and barack obama and his wife were
my parents.
we were all in bed...
they were comforting me.
i was sleeping in their bed because i was
scared. and the KKK
was trying to break into
my house.
i could see a member looking into
our bedroom window..he was albino
and had crystal clear, peircing
blue eyes.almost grey.
then we were in a room
with mccain and the KKK.
and they were
tearing obama apart.
i was crying.
it was all too strange.
another one i was on a cruise ship
and i met a boy with bleach blonde hair.
and tanned skin.
he was a helicopter pilot.
he smelt so good. and we kissed.
then i realized he was my best
friends boyfriend.
no clue?
i love my bed.
nothing feels better than sinking
into the sheets and completely letting
go of every thought. allowing and asking all
my cells and existence to let
go. release. recover.
sleep is a
beautiful gift from the
heavens. i look forward to
going to bed lately
due to my crazy, pent
up dreams.
they occupy my thoughts in the day.
they are my escape.

floatin on depletion and utter exhaustion..

i dont think my cells, brain, body, bones, mind, soul, muscles, heart, eyes, ears, every part of me has ever been so worked and drained. i am at a point of breaking. but i keep on going. this has been the most intense semester of my life. my classes are taking every waking moment. i am at school 7 days a week for hours on end and i feel i accomplish nothing. and i still have another semester of this and i am thinking of grad school!???? wtf! i LOVE learning and working hard at the things i love. i love being busy. but right now i am on overload in everything. i am getting very burnt out on MANY things....people, location, routine, everything.
i am most "real" when i am burnt out like i am now. this semester i have met someone who is so captivating. he "gets" me more than any boy i have ever met. he is sooooo funny...and creative and smart. he is constantly making me laugh. anyway we have been working on a project together for one of our classes and been spending a lot of time with eachother. last night when we were both wayyyyyy over our working limit stuck at the library until midnight....ONCE again...we got distracted and started to talk on any topic OTHER than school. it was weird cause once we started to "investigate" eachother...i couldnt believe how much we had in common. one of his dreams is to move to california and write movies. and if anyone could do it...it would be him...he is so interesting and hilarious...and brilliant. i have always wanted to do this too. there were many other things that we discovered we related on. he showed my his favortie poem (bluebird) by his favorite authour.. bukowski..i read it and it was the most beautiful..ironic poem i have ever read. he wants me to read women and ham on rye..after reading some of bukowskis poems i cant wait. it was crazy.
here is the poem......

there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too tough for him,
I say, stay in there, I'm not going
to let anybody see
you.

there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I pur whiskey on him and inhale
cigarette smoke
and the whores and the bartenders
and the grocery clerks
never know that
he's
in there.


there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too tough for him,
I say,
stay down, do you want to mess
me up?
you want to screw up the
works?
you want to blow my book sales in
Europe?

there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too clever, I only let him out
at night sometimes
when everybody's asleep.
I say, I know that you're there,
so don't be
sad.
then I put him back,
but he's singing a little
in there, I haven't quite let him
die
and we sleep together like
that
with our
secret pact
and it's nice enough to
make a man
weep, but I don't
weep, do
you?

i relate to this poem so much. which i do not understand. becuase i dont try to hide my "inner bluebird" but i really just connected with it. couldnt tell you why.
and now i sit here. in my room. silent. more tierd than i have ever been. and i just am at such a pivital time in my life. i have nnnnoooo clue what is to come next. im feeling so many different things. im ready to be ready.
im saying tooo much. i am opening up to the world.
im at the pearly gates of the next stage in my life. and im tired. cant even think a thought. but yet i keep on. something in me knows something so beautiful is coming.

from the depths of the deep, dark, hidden past.

since the trend of me this week seems to be digging thru past journal entries and rummaging thru old photos i feel complelled to share this. another part of me. that normally i would hold deep inside. i have never shared this entry with anyone or really talked about the subject to a single soul. the pain i have kept inside. and only voiced in my most alone moments. but looking back on this entry i cannot believe how much i have grown and surrended to the broken heart i once experienced. when i wrote this 4+ years ago (i was so young and open). i havent spoken to the boy it is about in over 2 years. and i feel by completely removing him from my life. i was able to completely let go. i often think of him now. but reading this passage from my past. i cannot believe how heart broken i was. and i am amazed at how i was able to move on and heal. i wrote it while on a plane coming home from a trip. it was in these moments that i felt my world was ending and my whole heart was collapsing. i was deeply hurt for a long time. now i am stronger and so very grateful to have experienced this. it has given me a new appreciation for love. and existence. and shown me that no matter how painful and event or moment is...it too shall pass.
"the immense pain i have/feel sucks. my heart feels like a black hole sucking all desires and "prana" from me. tears flow like hot streams down my cheeks. why have i brought myself here to undergo this pain again? he has never done/said anything to make me feel good or wanted. why is it i want him? does he not feel anything? is this a trick from the heavens? what is the point? is there a point? i feel not, yet i wonder if i will ever be able to look back on this and feel different. will i ever have someone feel the way i feel on him about me? sometimes life seems so unbearable and i wonder what the point even is. the more i learn the more confused i become.
I am scared. i dont know where i am going and what my purpose is. i fear where i am headed but know it will be beautiful. how do some people have so much direction? there are 1,000,000+ things i want to experience-yet i cant even handle a broken heart. everyone experiences a broken heart. i hate it. i am trying to rid myself of resistance and let myself be sad. instead of pushing the pain away. only making it bigger. will he ever find love? will i? together? why? the mind is such a trap? am i new in this whole game of love?
where am i going? i am alone. i am scared. yet i am excited-not really...just curious. why/how is it that someone with such a young age can feel so much pain? my life is beautiful, my family, my friends, my health, my love; yet why do i feel pain? am i selfish? why do i dwell and over analyze?

crushed. the truth has struck me so hard. i wish to do nothing. nothing at all. paralyzed in truth. by truth. there is nothing there. for me. yes. for him. no. he feels not what i feel. how is this possible? how can one person feel so deeply and the other nothing. indifferent? unaware. undesiring to know more. my whole body swells with tears. my being sinks deeper and deeper. i do not want to return but i dare not resist. why is it that this phenomenon occurs? it should not be this way. i feel i have lost a part of me. i have been eclipsed. so extreme. i was doing so well. but now i return to this place of wonder. the wonder has disipated and all that is left is dark. deep night. no stars. just pure agony. who can i tell this to? no one understands. they think i am over reacting. i thought i was too in the begining. tried to ignore it for months. but now i am reminded of the sadness attached. i feel so free in parts of my life, yet so trapped and scared in others. i saw potential, love, healing, comfort. He? i dont know. its becoming more and more obvious that he never felt anything. i kept creating a whole role for myself. a complete illusion. i still love him. in a pure way. i fear for him. the thought of being forever gone from him sounds unbearable and makes me sick. i hate the fact i feel this way. i want to be moved on. forever erased. i want to spit the memories out and never look back. the lows are worse than the highs are better. and yet he feels nothing. why? why? how could this be? am i crazy? how could i feel so strong and get nothing back?
i am crushed because i know it is time for me to forget and progress forward. i feel like the truth is screaming at me. the brightest light. yet i keep covering my ears and closing my eyes. denying the truth. i fear ever telling him, it would ruion everything. yet there is nothing. what other confermation do i need?
its time to let go. forever.
goodbye pain. goodbye love.
hello pain. goodbye love.
you are gone.
and i accept."

trip down memory lane.

so all day random memories kept popping into my head at the most random times. like when i was working out or when i was supposed to be studying, or in line at the store and the last one while i was showering. they are so funny that i have to share. here are some of them in no particular order. some of this stuff i havent thought of in years. maybe even a decade :)
1. i was about 5 and we my mom was watching her best friends daughter who was 3 at the time. on this day jordy (3 year old) had her hair in pig tails. her mom was so proud becuase jordy's hair was finally really long and it was so pretty. i being the little brat i was convinced jordy to come into the bathroom with me and i cut off one of her pig tails. i dont remember why. i just remember my mom crying and yelling at me asking me why i did it. it was horrible. my mom then had to call "dial-a-sitter" a dial up babysitter service to come watch me while she rushed jordy to the hair salon to get her hair fixed. they ended up having to cut off all her hair and she ended up looking like a little boy. it was so sad. not to mention the 80 year old grandma who ended up watching me...forcing me to eat butter sandwhiches for dinner. very tramatizing. on everyones part.
2. when i was five my family and i had just moved into a brand new house. my little brother was just born and i was entering kindergarten. it was spring time and my mom and dad were so happy to be finally moved into our new home. the back yard was huge and really nice. with lots of big pine trees making it feel like a forest. on this day i had just gotten home from girl scouts...and had a few freinds over. we were playing in the back yard while my mom was making dinner. that day in girl scouts we had learned about how to make a camp fire. and i started to rub two rocks together thinking it would start fire. but no cigar. i knew where my dad hid the matches so i rushed inside and grabbed the box. then the next thing i remember was the throwing a match into one of the trees becuase i was scared that it actually lit. then before you knew it the whole backyard was on fire. i started to scream and my mom came out and almost fainted. it was horrible. the police, ambulance, fire department the whole kit and kaboodle showed up. even the news. all because i wanted to make a camp fire. i ended up burning down all the trees in our backyard and some of the people that lived behind us. i remember my mom crying and my dad yelling. it was the worst feeling ever. that night when my dad came home our entire backyard was torched and black and he just stood there in his business suit speechless staring at the disaster. and i just stood by his side crying. then that night my mom made corn beef and i just remember sitting there with tears in my eyes looking at the lump of meat on my plate....crying while my dad pretty much informed me my life was over. it was hell. ill for sure never forget that one. pretty sure it will flash in my head right before i die.

3. flash forward a few years. i was in high school. not sure what age. by this time my parents had divorced and i had a stepdad. who by the way i love sooo much. (step mom different story.) anyhow i also inherrited a step bro and sis. which i pretty much consider real brother and sister. cause we were raised together from pretty early on and they lived with us full time growing up. i love them both and gavin is one of my best friends.
well it was evening and my parents were both in bed...and gavin and i were saying goodnight...and the topic of J-Lo came up. and i was saying how i liked her. and with that my mom and bob both grossed out and said that she was horrible....and did not deserve the fame she had...for whatever reasons. i could care less either way really. but being a teenager wanted to cause trouble. so i egged them both on...saying she was my idle...and that really bob prob thought she was pretty. but they both were so resistant of the topic. that it caused me to become more resistant. and before you knew it we were fighting over Jennifer effing Lopez. at the time it was annoying but looking back its hillarious. gavin of course wsa on my side...being the cool older sis. so after we said goodnight....matt gavin and i got the bright idea of getting whip cream and "tagging" bobs car with "I LOVE J-LO"....so we went outside and put in huge letters across his rear window...."I LOVE J-LO!!" with a bunch of hearts. we thought it was soooo funny...and that he would think so too....but looking back i think what an asshole, disrespectful move. the next day he was pissed and we ended up getting in trouble. but a classic memory non the less.

4. my mom is from las vegas and he sisters live down there. so growing up we were constantly traveling there for functions/holidays/whatever. i was prob 10 at the time. i was with my cousins...(i was the youngest out of my cousins...they were always the cool ones....and matt and i were the dorky ones from reno...) they are the ones who introduced me to hip hop...and showed me how to be "bad"....they were mostly boys who were kinda wild for their age) but my favorite was Ali. she is my age...and she was always so cool. had a boyfriend always...kissed boys and knew all the coolest songs. so i really loved hanging with ali. plus we both shared a love for art. this weekend we got to spend the night over at my uncle/her dads house. uncle gary is the cooooolest. he used to be a cartoon animator for Disney and worked on movies like the lil mermaid ect. hes also a total hippy. so whenever we spent the night at uncle gary's it was paaaaarrrrrrrtttttyyyy time. and we also would do an art project. but this night...we decided that we wanted to dress uncle gary up into a costume and make him take us somewhere. so we decided to put a visor on him backwards and stick a toothbrush in it. ali and i decided to join in. so if you can imagine we were all wearing backwards visors with toothbrushes in them so it looked like we had toothbrush antennas. it was soooo fun. so we walked down the street to the 7-11 to buy slurpees.....and we all walked in looking like this. and we made a rule that we had to talk in a made up language. it was soooo funny. i couldnt quit laughing that i half way peed my pants. and uncle gary was sooo cool that he did it the whole time. even when he was checking out...he spoke to the cash register guy in our false language. we were in kinda a "thuggy" area of vegas so all these gangster guys were just staring at us like we were FREAKS!! and it was soo fun! looking back on it i think how cool uncle gary is to be weird with us 10 year olds. i def want to act that way with my kids!

5. it was my freshman year of high school and i was in california for a swim meet. it was the swim meet of all swim meets. our team had worked really hard to get there and i was really excited. this is how i met one of my best friends shirley. shirley was also on the swim team. but she was a jr. so i didnt really know her. she was also kinda wild...and i was pretty dorky...so i didnt really think we had anything in common. but on this trip...we got paired together in the same hotel room. there was this older boy on the swim team who i reeeeeeallllly liked. in fact i think he was my first really crush. well maybe not...but first major one. so we had been at the swim meet all day and headed back to the hotel for dinner and movies. everyone was exausted and sun burned and all i wanted to do was sleep. but i was in shirleys room. so i knew that woudlnt be happening. the night ended up being the first night i experienced drinking. shirley had brought tuaca..and we ended up doing a bunch of tuaca shots...and the boy swim team came over to our room. it was like a lil nugget party. i was really drunk. i think it only took me like one or two shots. shirley ended up making out with a boy while i layed there and listened to the whole thing...grossing out. since there were on my bed and i finally i kicked them out! the next day is where it gets funny. it was time for the team to head back to reno. but we stopped at 6 flags for a day of fun. but for me and shirley and half the team we were experiencing our first hangovers so a theme park was the last place we wanted to be. shirley and i ended up riding the same rollercoaster over and over. cracking up the whole time. cause it would take our pictures right as we dropped and everytime our faces looked horrible. then that night when we were back in reno...i was so out of it. i grabed the wrong suitcase when my mom picked me up. and i get home to unpack only to find someone elses things. and her suitcase didnt even resemble mine. from then on shirley and i were inseppereable and hung out every moment of everyday. and as you can imagine....she opened my eyes to quite a lot. i had a lot of my "firsts" while hanging out with shirley.....hahhahaha.

6. a few years back my friend Dominique and i were working at a ski shop. and we decided that we wanted to do a really intese fast for 10 days. why? cause were extreme and everything we do is super intense and we cant just be balanced normal humans...we have to completely kill everything..and beat it into the ground. its how we roll. all or nuthin'. anyhow we started the cleanse and all we were consuming was lemon water. it was day 4 and we had got the bright idea of going snowboarding. thinking it would be ok. but didnt consider the fact that snowboarding takes a lot of energy and maybe it would be best to just stay at home and chill. no. so we were on the slopes and feeling really out of it. like reeeeeaaally out of it. ive never really been high. never had a thing for it. but we felt HIGH. maybe it was the elevation...but it was doing something to us. we were only able to take a few runs. then it hit us hard. we couldnt quit laughing and barley had any energy to make it back to the lodge. once we go to the lodge everyone was eating and the smells were so everwhellming. we couldnt take it anymore. so we rushed to the bar and asked for a bunch of lemon slices. we figured since we were alloud to have lemon juice that lemon slices would be ok. so we went consumed almost 20 lemon slices each. it was rank. but at the time they tasted sooooooooooo good. we sat there saying the things we really wanted like burrito...and i swear the lemon would somehow taste like a burrito. it was hillarious. we ended up continuing the fast up to day 8. then we freaked...ditched class and went to wild oats and spent $20 each at the salad bar and make ourselves COMPLETLEY sick.
7. it was my freshman year of college during winter break. 3 of my friends and i went to santa cruz for the week to hang out and we stayed with my cousin bri's family. one of the days we went surfing. i had learned to surf when i was in hawaii...and wanted to teach my friends the little i knew. plus bri's hot cousin charlie was with us and he helped....he was the pro actually. anyways we rented boards and we on the beach and he was giving us the instructions for how to get up on your boards ect. brianne was the only one out of us who was nervous. she isnt that good of a swimmer...so so was hesitant. and she fears sharks. so we all get in the water and start to paddle out. leda, charlie and stace took off. and left me with bri. i feel completley comfortable in the water. so it didnt bother me to wait with her. she was a complete gizzard. i wish i had a camerea. she was talking to herself and breathing really hard and panting and she was only out about 20 feet. i couldnt help but laugh. oh and on top of it she didnt have on her glasses so she couldnt really see. she was following me and i was trying to calm her down. she was doing better and i thought she was about 10 feet behind me. then i felt something creep up my butt and pull me back. i freaked and turned around to find bris board with bri...glidding up ontop of my board. she couldnt even see and she ended up paddling right up ontop of me. and she didnt even realize it while she was doing it. i started to crack up and said bri what in the hell are you doing on top of me. and then she realized and we both started to crack up. she had the entire effing ocean and she ended up being litereally right on my ass. it was a classic. and ill never forget it.

check yo'self befoe yew wreck yoself

ohhhhhh man....thats all i got is...ohhhhhhhh man! tonight i was out with my friends at some bro bar (that i didnt really prefer) chit chattin and cathcin up...and i got so grossed out. it takes a lot to gross me out...well maybe not a lot...but this whole situation really got me annoyed and grossed out.
so there were about 8 of us all sitting in a booth...and gabriella started to crack up and point over at the juke box. we all looked over to find two girls grinding up on eachother hardcore. if you didnt know youd think a soft core porn was taking place! at first i was postitve that these chicks must be gay....but then...low and be hold...one of the girls boyfriends was sitting 2 feet away enjoying the show. i couldnt believe how nasty these girls were acting in public. it was so unneccesary. i saw through the whole situation. ive seen stuff like this plenty of times in the past....but normally when i do ive been drinking so i dont really take notice. but tonight i was sippin on water...so it made everything that much funnier. but these girls just really dissapointed me. i could see exactly what they were doing. it was sad. i felt bad for them. cause they looked horrible. and cheap. it wasnt just some funny thing like some girls do with their friends when a good song comes on...no it was a look at me...LOOK!!...we are dry humping eachother...dont you think were hot...doesnt that make you want ME?!!...kinda situation. i mean i could maybe 2% understand if it was a decent bump and grind song like biggie or luda...even michael J...but no...it was some gay ass song. i felt like i was in the movie american pie...or some other late 90's highschool/college moive...i was waiting for james vanderbeek to walk out any moment in a football jersey and shotgun a budwieser ....while slapping the waitresses ass. it was hilarious. despite the pure comedic flare that was goin on...i really felt grossed out on the girls. i just dont understand why sooo many women are sooooo desperate for attention!! they are willing to do anything. why???!! ive heard the whole...oh they are looking for attention cause they had no father bullshit....yea well BS!! my dad was partially MIA at times growing up...and shit i have no desire to hump some chick while 50 other gross salavating men watch!! i just want to know what happend to self respect???!! if you wanna go and get freaky behind closed doors with girls and or guys....than DO IT!! ill be your biggest cheerleader...but why do they feel the need to showcase it in public?? its just so sad. they are looking for attention in the most draining ways. all you have to do is turn on the TV to some gay reality show to see women actin' like complete fools for men...making themselves seem like a walking sex machine...who is willing to take any bitch down in order to get a rose from their man! its pathetic. i aint no hardcore feminist natzi. but i have respect...and just dont understand the women who desire sooooo much to get attention...and are willing to do just anything to get it. i think they need to put down the Cosmo magazines and sex and the city episodes and discover who they are. and what makes them....them!
and not base their identity solely off of the two breast they have!!!! sure being sexy and getting attention from a guy you like is fun...but there is a fine line between being a pig/trashy and being classy yet sexy at the same time. so i recommend to all the ladies out there who are searchin for love in all the wrong places to check yo'self befoe yew wreck yoself....and if you are lookin for some attention...then maybe try looking real hard in the mirror~

dear______,

"We are not our thoughts, we are not our emotions, we are not our feelings, we are so much deeper than all of this."
~Sri Sri Ravi Shankar

love is all my crippled soul will ever need.

today was beautiful. i cannot express the craziness and excitement that i have been expericencing the past few weeks. life is continuously twisting and turning in the most unusual ways. and i have never experienced the feelings i am feeling. ever. its crazy. and i feel like today was an "ahh haa" day. i came to some of the most profound conclusions...that i have been begging the heavens for...for almost a year now. and it is all starting to make sense. what was once black tar is now only mucky water. i am not quite to clean water. but hey we are all in the puddle of mud together.
i have been searching and searching for the conclusions that i am stumbling upon presently for such a long time. and i feel that i just wasnt ready to accept what i am learning until now. it really is true some of the most impactful things really do come when you least expect them. i feel as though i am walking in a cloud and feel so disconnected to everything and everyone...yet the most connected ive ever felt. i am continuously feeling like i am not in my own skin...or not the jayne i thought i knew so well. i cannot describe, because i have never been here before. but i am shifting. and i feel it is something i have been wanting to know now for lifetimes. and now i am here. and the door has been opened and i am being blinded by the brightness on the other side. yet paralyzed by the opportunity and expectation. in a holding place. my life is moving so fast and things are flying by, yet i feel like i am interacting with everything and everyone in slow motion. i feel i am on the brink of something huge. that i have never experienced before. i have cut ties with things that no longer propel me...or at least come to terms and have accepted what people and situations are useless. and i feel so free.
then tonight i was hanging out with some of my friends who were in town that i spent last summer with in new orleans. they are such an amazing group of people from all over the world with such diverse stories. and someone handed me a paper with a quote on it from Sri Sri Ravi Shankar...and i read it and i felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. like time stopped and i was not of this earth. it validated everything in my life right now. and i am still in shock.
here is part of what it said: (he was addressing the issue of restlessness...and how to respond if you are undergoing restlessness...which i feel i have been the most ever if my entire life.)

"The fifth type of restlessness is rare. It is the restlessness of the soul. When everything feels empty and meaningless, know you are very fortunate. That longing and restlessness is the restlessness of the soul. Do not try and get rid of it. Embrace it! Welcome it! Ususally to get rid of it people do all sorts of things-they change places, jobs or partners, do this, do that. It seems to help for some time, but it does not last.

This restlessness of the soul alone can bring authentic prayer in you. It brings perfection, Siddhis and miracles in life. It is so precious to get that inner most longing for the Divine. Satsang, the presence of the enlightened one, soothes the restlessness of the soul."--Sri Sri Ravi Shankar.

I am still trying to grasp everything He is saying. But you see I have felt so empty and meaningless latley. Searching for more. Yet I have not been sad. Just very uninterested in things and people that normally attract me. I have been finding myself out with friends or doing something that I normally would love...and i feel so disconnected...like a total outsider..."in" it but not "apart" of it. But actually prefering it this way. Not having any desire to want to be involved or interested. Viewing things, people, myself and experiences from a completley new space. I have been wondering what is wrong with me. I have been wanting to move to a different city...get away from all ive known. Had no desire to be social. But almost the happiest ive been in my entire life...it just hasnt been making any sense. You would think I would be in a dark place from my actions...yet I love it. So if I can put a label/explanation on what Im feeling as "restlessness of the soul" they hell why not. I really feel this may be a crucial element as to what I am going through. So I am going to do just what Sri Sri recommends. I am not going to resist this restlessness. I am going to embrace it. let myself feel the way I do. this life and everything it entails is so fascinating and strange....i am forever an observer and analyzer of it. the more i learn the more confused i get. who knows where my path is taking me...but i do know that if it continues to twist and turn like it has recently then i will be forever entertained.

hips blow

my right hip is sooo sore. and i have no effing clue what i did to it?? i can barely walk...it sucks. i have never experienced pain in my hip my whole life. i find it comical that a couple weeks after i titled my blog "swivel hips"...that i get an effed hip. what are the chances?
i have always been fascinated by hips...but now i am in just agony. and wish the pain would melt away. all i can remember is when my brother was little and dislocated his hip playing soccer..and had to go to the hospital...and then the only way he was able to move the for the next week was lying on his skateboard and pushing himself like a seal around the house. oh the phenomenon of hips. if youve never experienced a bum hip....LOVE YOUR HIPS! cause it sucks when they rebel~

york new york new part II

i miss it sooo bad. i never imagined in a million years i would feel so much love for a single city. it all started when i was 5 and used to love to waking up thanksgiving morning to turn on the TV and watch the thanksgiving day parade. i used to beg my mom to take the whole family to NYC for thanksgiving...telling her it would be perfect and she wouldnt have to cook and was constantly trying to bargain with her all so i could go be on the streets of new york city at a measley age of 5. i even used to have my dad rent me tons of movies that were filmed in new york and i would watch them over and over again just so i could see new york city. i would dream of one day being there...living the role. i think some of my favorites were look who's talking, ghostbusters.... i was even a huge fan of teenage mutant ninja turtles....the love for the city that i had never been to continued to grow as i got older...but with school and the typical teenage life the desires got put on the back burner...and my longing to live near the ocean in california started to take over my mind.. i became a sucker for the ocean in middle school with our family get aways to carmel california. in high school my friends used to joke and call me a mermaid due to having an obsession with water...water became my sanctuary. i swam varsity swimming all four years in high school...and was constantly traveling to california for swim meets.my senior year i dreamt of moving to LA and pursuing my love of art and being close to my favorite beaches. but for many reasons i ended up staying in my hometown. loving college to the max...but always inside feeling like there was something more. that i really didnt belong in business school..at this time in my life. i would cry to my mom constantly telling her i wanted a change...something more...and she would support and reject me by telling me to find what i love and once i graduate i could move anywhere in the world....these feelings intensified with my random travels over the past four years to many captivating places far and wide from australia to all over north america. everytime i turn around it seems like i am researching a new destination to explore. my mom gets very annoyed thinks that instead of pouring my money into travel i should be focusing on school and saving. i totally see her point. but what if the opportunity never presents itself again. my motto is just do it. this is how i ended up in nyc both times.



my first time was last july...for only 2 days (i had just driven from new orleans all the way to philly with a group...so instead of undergoing the 30+ hour car rise home i ditched and set off to nyc solo to sightsee for a few days). it was quite an eye opener. lets just put it this way...i was exausted, broke, alone and overwhellmed with not a single person out of the 9 million living there that i could claim as a friend or even an aquainstance. i loved it and hated it. i spent the whole time in silence gawking at the scenery soaking up the experience. i was staying in a hostel and my clothes and backpack had been soaked in dirty water cause the swamp cooler burst.. so i was pretty much lookin the bum role...i didnt give a flying shit though cause i was so over the limit in all areas of my life that i just went comepletely with it.



then life took me back to reno to continue with my last year of school and the seed had been planted on how i was wanting to get out of reno. now i say this with love. i get so sick of hearing people in reno bitch and moan about how they want out of reno cause blah blah blahhhh its not "cool" enough....or its a shit town. bullshit. i love reno. its my stompin grounds. it has given me a beautiful life and my most treasured people and memories are here. its in my blood...and has come a long way....and continues to do so. BUT.... my travels to new york over spring break have completley shifted the way i think.


since being home i cant stop thinking about the city. i miss it so much. i even cried as i took the train out of nyc into philly on our last day. i shocked myself. i was sitting on the train listening to the new cat power album (which by the way is awesome...over 5 people have mentioned it to me over the past 2 weeks) being all cry baby. and before you knew it a rush of warm tears started to pour down my cheeks as i watched the tip of the empire state building fade out of vision. from that moment on...i have felt like i am missing apart of me. i know it sounds completely wack and its just a city i know nothing about....but new york did something to me. taught me some huge lessons....and i was only there for 6 days. i only wonder what it would do for me if i was there for 6 months.


i miss everything about it. the smells, the constant noise, the chaos, the filth, the overloads of people, the tall buildings, the small spaces, the nights, the street art, the dirty subway, the people and everlasting, neverending, diversity of people. everyone there is so beautiful...even the "not so beautuful" people....are beautiful in such unique ways. i was falling in love with so many foreign things that i would normally resist. i couldnt believe how accepting i was twoards such a huge city..considering where i have been in my life lately. (ive been quite anti-social mainly just diving into my studies and pursuing personal interests.) my mom has become my new best friend. a fun night for me lately is going home to my familys house watching episodes of the office with my mom laughing. im just not finding much pleasure recently in the whole going out scene...not that im better than it. i just would rather be at home with my closest people doing things i love. dont get me wrong..i def have my phases of going out...then dropping off the face of the earth....but lately...i love being MIA. i actually just got a job at a new bar downtown...and i think i may be dreading it. i really dont want to be around anyone in that scence right now.





this is why i loved new york. i didnt know anyone except a few people who i spent such little time with...i felt like i was alone. i loved feeling like a goldfish thrown into the big ocean. it was so humbling. you see latley i have been feeling so sick of everything. not depressed or crazy like i was feeling a year ago...just kinda sick of just "existing" the way i am...like i want more..i want to be free. sometimes i wish life was like a video where you could fast forward, pause and edit things out that have no use or cause too much pain. start over i guess. or just begin a new chapter.

i loved that fact that i was so far away from home. i never thought of reno once when i was there. not even my family. it was weird. i felt very comfortable there. which is strange cause lately i have been so close to my family...and felt like i need them to get through the tough times. which i do..to a certain extent.....but i realized how much i can do on my own. its exhilerating. i have spent quite a lot of time out of reno away from my "comfort zone" in the past...but there has always been a tint of homesicknesses to the experience...and i was always so happy to come home. but now i feel like i am finally ready to set off and explore on my own...and make all new friends and start pursuing things that have always interested me without missing home to the extent i would have before. its the most foreign feeling to me. i feel like i am a completely new person. like i am not scared...yet scared shitless. it has been occuring to me that less than one year from now i have absolutley NO clue where in the world i will be or what i will be doing. the truth is i can actually being doing whatever the hell i want. i will have NO obligations..or things holding me back (God willing)...to me that is so scary. i have had school keeping me grounded for basically my whole life. and now that chapter is almost to an end...and now i am up to bat. its my turn to decide where i go next. that scares me to death...yet when i really feel it out...i am sooo excited. it gives me the chills.

for the first time in my life..i feel so confident that i will be ok. i really dont care what anyone says or thinks. which is such leaps and bounds to where i was a few years back. i was so dependent on what my family thought...friends influenced me....now i seriously dont care. ive gone from being really social and consumer happy....to not desiring things...or certain people and situations. i feel everyone goes through this in some way. most 19 and 20 year olds are in someway controlled by what they think others want....or image. now i just want to be myself...and if one finds it not suiting to their own taste than they arent for me to begin with. ive learned that you cant please everyone. and everyone is not going to like you. so basically you kinda just have to move to your own beat. and the ones who "get it" or relate...then they are the golden ones. the ones to hold on to.

its weird i was talking to a friend the other night...and i realized how i really have nothing holding me to reno....compared to my other friends. most of them have obligations here. such as relationships...work...ect ect. i have none of that. and at times when ive felt lonely and wondered why i havent met my "one" yet....or even someone who i feel i could be with for a long period of time...i am sort of grateful that it hasnt happend yet. i kinda feel there is a purpose for that. and when i look back on the guys i have had things with...i am sorta happy they didnt work out...cause who knows....now i have more freedom to pursue my ambitions...and be "free." i look at some of my friends who have sooo much potential and talent...but are now in very serious relationships...and i feel that it has in someway sort of trapped them down...like they now have to answer for two...and they cant just get up tomorrow and move to wherever they want...cause they are now 2. not just one. they have sort of put their passions on the back burner. this is such a beautiful thing though too. to have so much love and connection with one person...that you are willing to sacrifice your wants in some ways in order to make things work. but i feel that we are so young and we have the rest of our lives to be in "love"...so why not be in "love" with yourself now....and make yourself a better person...and really internally grow?? cause if you cant love yourself...then how in the hell do you expect someone else to love you?? its also funny cause i was talking to one of my friends ...and he made a comment about a girl he had been with...and said something along the lines of how it was strange to him that after every time they had been together...she would immediately put her clothes back on. this struck me as odd. cause the girl he was talking about...you would never consider to be ugly...or have a reason to be insecure. i cant imagine being in love with someone...and not being able to be comfortable in your skin around them. people become the victims of their minds. and i would think that when you are in love you would ignore your mind and just be. cause love it so much deeper than just the thoughts and the mind. it just made me realize that no matter what age, size or whatever a girl is...there are still insecurities. i am starting to really love my body. there have been times in my life...where i have been in complete war with my body and mind...what a battle. its so not worth it. you end up torturing yourself..for pleasure that doesnt exist. when you start to love the skin youre in....no matter what...is when the real beauty shines through. the older i get the more i am starting to see beauty in things that i noramlly would not. i really do think everyone for the most part is so beautuful in their own ways. beauty is in the eye of the beholder. i have met some very attractive people....and they can be the most ugly people on the inside...in turn making themselves so ugly on the outside. and then i have met some very "average" people...and they can be so beautiful and confident on the inside...that they end up lighting up an entire room..when they enter...due to their energy and beauty from within. making them the sought after ones. treating your body with respect is so important. feeding it healthy things. my new motto i am trying to abide by...is....if it doesnt come from the ground....dont eat it. its hard...but i have never felt better. my workouts are becoming more intense...and i just feel more confident in my skin. yet...i have a ways to go..until i reach my goal. but really its all about the journey not the destination.
but back to new york. overall i am in love. with a city. every moment there seemed to be dripping in opportunity. pretty much whatever you love or have an interest in...most likely you can find it there. i love that instead of going out and gettingwasted with your friends on a friday night...you can go to the museums...or go see a show. there is always something new. i also met some people when i was in brooklyn...from the bay area...and they were telling me how at first....you get really depressed and homesick....and overwhellmed..but after a year or so...you start to adjust to the lifestyle. i want that. not the hardtimes....but just being somewhere so far away from home...that i cant just pack all my shit up and leave. where i will be forced to live and make it work.
i was at lunch with my dad today...and i broke the news to him on my love affair with the city...and how i cant quit thinking about it. and how i am so ready to leave reno for awhile. and suprisingly...he was so supportive of me. he told me to move there and finish shcool. which completley shocked me. but his words really sank in. while i dont think i will actually move there and finish school...i feel like its time to get there. i have a few friends moving there in september...and i think i may just be a few months behind them.
ive never before felt more ready to do something in my life. for the first time in a long time. i am feeling really good. and i am wanting to take this and go pursue my dreams.
for now the game plan is as follows:
finish the semester.
fly to montreal canada on the 22nd of may to attend a 6 week internship on organinc agriculture. which i am so stoked for. i know its going to be absoulutely life altering. and i cant wait to get there. i am planning on taking a video camera and filming daily..in order to make a documentary. i hear montreal and qubec in the summer are jaw dropping beautiful and i cant wait. then after the internship...i will have the option to stay and work in the garden for as long as i want...which i will play by ear...but then my next goal is to take a train back into nyc. and stay until school starts and film and explore by myself. i really want to dive into the whole world of film and editing. it has always been a large interest of mine...and i am quite the amatuer...but i really want to film everything and anything in nyc this summer. i want to go out everyday and capture something crazy and foreign and then make a big documentary or movie at the end of the summer. even though i still have SOO much to learn about filming...i am so compelled to move forward with it. if i think about it...i actually like being in the "learning" stage of a passion. its like being in the "honeymoon" stage of a relationship...everything is new, foreign, exciting...lighthearted. so i am ready to learn as much as possible in the whole world of film. and hopefully decide for real if i could see myself living in the city after graduation in december.

i am ready to move on. i am ready to learn. i want more. i want to find a purpose. a reason. figure it out. start a new chapter. grow. become a better person. i am ready to face fears. ready to try things i would have never considered. open my mind.
i am ready.

"Change, change, change, I want to get up out of my skin tell you what if I can shake it I'm 'a make this something worth dreaming of"....(santogold)

NEW YORK NEW YORK

TO BE CONTINUED:

its TIME

to
be done.

get mad.

get really mad.

forgive.

move on.
get the job done.
learn from the past.
work harder than ive ever worked before.
sacrifice.
bust my ass.
quit making excuses.
get to where i NEED to be.
in life.
in ambitions.
wake up.
accept.
shift. grow.
and let go of past peices that no loger propel me forward.
start over.
begin what ive always wanted.
embrace the PAIN.

accept fear.

erase doubt.
let go of useless thoughts as fast as they come.

continue.

rick-dick-ulous

how i cant handle going out and drinking 3 drinks without getting completley hung over the next day. shite when i was only 18 i used to be able to take shots of jose all night long and run 8 miles the very next morning. now i wake up feeling like a train hit me wondering what in the hell i did the night before. all off only 3 measley drinks. even my lil nug D can take it better than me....what is up body? what is up? so now i am on my way to sweat it all out in a hot room for 90 minutes doing yoga. hopefully i wont faint. oh the bliss of being 22.