i just dont know whats going down!! my best frined/cousin growing up who i have some of my favorite memories with and who is my current roomate just informed me that she is getting married this summer!! WHHHAATTTTTTT!!!!!!! shes 2 months younger than me! weve gone through every stage in life together. i know everything about her and she me. its just sooooooooo weird! i love her soon to be hubby. theyve been together 4 years and we all love him...couldnt ask for a cooler, sweeter, more fun guy EVER but its just sooooo weird. when thinkn we're at the age that we can do this and its OK. im just a lil weirded out. i mean im still in school...never have had a "serious" love and here one of my best cousins/friends is getting married!!! i remember walking around with our moms high heels on playing dress up with her when we were 4...time flies and its scary!!
sometimes i wish i could just rewind it all and relive my most cherished memories. and really let them soak in...instead of just letting them fly by me. it makes me sad. but i am so excited to continue to make more memories. lately i have had a deep rooted fear in me. i've been having trouble sleeping lately. ive never had this problem...hahah. normally i love sleep. but i cant seem to just "let go" lately. i feel to wound up. maybe its just the intense, relentless semester i've been having. its been nonstop deadlines and tests. and ive been trying to be on my game this semester...and its drained me for all ive got. on top of this...ive just been so worried about things that i have NO control over....like whats the future holds as far as life, death, family, just weird topics. im at a point in my life right now where i dont know if im coming or going. im just going with the motions and throwing myself into certain situations and i feel so alive and like something beautiful is coming yet also i feel the most resistance ive ever experienced. im just so worried to leave my family and want everything to be ok. im not so much ever worried about myself...ill figure my own shit our...rather i find myself worried about my family and if theyll be ok without me when i leave and start my own life. but of course they will....its all just a mental hang up. they are all adults and really dont need me to look after them. im so ready to go and become something ive always wanted more than ive ever been. im ready to go out and experience new things, new people, new situations, yet im still death gripping my past and life as i know it and fighting with all my might not to let go. i dont know why. ive found in the past the things i most resist end up being the most rewarding in the end. and with me getting ready to move to canada for the summer....i am sooo scared. i dont know why. ill be doing one of my passions (gardening and being outside) yet i am soooo scared. a part of me just wants to stay in reno and have a very ordinary, "comfortable" summer...that ive always had with family and friends. but i know its time for me to break away and go partake in something that will make an impact not only on myself but more importantly serve the earth and and the people on it. thats why we're here...right? or id like to believe so. i want to make a difference. and i think i am taking a step in the right direction. however there are a few things i know i will miss when i am living at the ashram this summer like, caffine, sugar, sleeping in, lake tahoe in june and july, being able to do what i want when i want....among many many more things.....but all the things i mention arent really necessarily good for me...and i know i will benefit from not drinking caffine...or eating any fake sugar or sleeping in...so i will survive.
plus i will be getting to go back to new york for a few weeks after and just completely be a nomad before i take part in a cross country road trip back to reno with my friend leda. so all in all i think i am in for a really fun summer and i need to just quit worrying.
for now i need to go to sleep. i have all toooo much studying to do tomorrow.
peace.
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