i dont think my cells, brain, body, bones, mind, soul, muscles, heart, eyes, ears, every part of me has ever been so worked and drained. i am at a point of breaking. but i keep on going. this has been the most intense semester of my life. my classes are taking every waking moment. i am at school 7 days a week for hours on end and i feel i accomplish nothing. and i still have another semester of this and i am thinking of grad school!???? wtf! i LOVE learning and working hard at the things i love. i love being busy. but right now i am on overload in everything. i am getting very burnt out on MANY things....people, location, routine, everything.
i am most "real" when i am burnt out like i am now. this semester i have met someone who is so captivating. he "gets" me more than any boy i have ever met. he is sooooo funny...and creative and smart. he is constantly making me laugh. anyway we have been working on a project together for one of our classes and been spending a lot of time with eachother. last night when we were both wayyyyyy over our working limit stuck at the library until midnight....ONCE again...we got distracted and started to talk on any topic OTHER than school. it was weird cause once we started to "investigate" eachother...i couldnt believe how much we had in common. one of his dreams is to move to california and write movies. and if anyone could do it...it would be him...he is so interesting and hilarious...and brilliant. i have always wanted to do this too. there were many other things that we discovered we related on. he showed my his favortie poem (bluebird) by his favorite authour.. bukowski..i read it and it was the most beautiful..ironic poem i have ever read. he wants me to read women and ham on rye..after reading some of bukowskis poems i cant wait. it was crazy.
here is the poem......
there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too tough for him,
I say, stay in there, I'm not going
to let anybody see
you.
there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I pur whiskey on him and inhale
cigarette smoke
and the whores and the bartenders
and the grocery clerks
never know that
he's
in there.
there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too tough for him,
I say,
stay down, do you want to mess
me up?
you want to screw up the
works?
you want to blow my book sales in
Europe?
there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too clever, I only let him out
at night sometimes
when everybody's asleep.
I say, I know that you're there,
so don't be
sad.
then I put him back,
but he's singing a little
in there, I haven't quite let him
die
and we sleep together like
that
with our
secret pact
and it's nice enough to
make a man
weep, but I don't
weep, do
you?
i relate to this poem so much. which i do not understand. becuase i dont try to hide my "inner bluebird" but i really just connected with it. couldnt tell you why.
and now i sit here. in my room. silent. more tierd than i have ever been. and i just am at such a pivital time in my life. i have nnnnoooo clue what is to come next. im feeling so many different things. im ready to be ready.
im saying tooo much. i am opening up to the world.
im at the pearly gates of the next stage in my life. and im tired. cant even think a thought. but yet i keep on. something in me knows something so beautiful is coming.
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