love is all my crippled soul will ever need.

today was beautiful. i cannot express the craziness and excitement that i have been expericencing the past few weeks. life is continuously twisting and turning in the most unusual ways. and i have never experienced the feelings i am feeling. ever. its crazy. and i feel like today was an "ahh haa" day. i came to some of the most profound conclusions...that i have been begging the heavens for...for almost a year now. and it is all starting to make sense. what was once black tar is now only mucky water. i am not quite to clean water. but hey we are all in the puddle of mud together.
i have been searching and searching for the conclusions that i am stumbling upon presently for such a long time. and i feel that i just wasnt ready to accept what i am learning until now. it really is true some of the most impactful things really do come when you least expect them. i feel as though i am walking in a cloud and feel so disconnected to everything and everyone...yet the most connected ive ever felt. i am continuously feeling like i am not in my own skin...or not the jayne i thought i knew so well. i cannot describe, because i have never been here before. but i am shifting. and i feel it is something i have been wanting to know now for lifetimes. and now i am here. and the door has been opened and i am being blinded by the brightness on the other side. yet paralyzed by the opportunity and expectation. in a holding place. my life is moving so fast and things are flying by, yet i feel like i am interacting with everything and everyone in slow motion. i feel i am on the brink of something huge. that i have never experienced before. i have cut ties with things that no longer propel me...or at least come to terms and have accepted what people and situations are useless. and i feel so free.
then tonight i was hanging out with some of my friends who were in town that i spent last summer with in new orleans. they are such an amazing group of people from all over the world with such diverse stories. and someone handed me a paper with a quote on it from Sri Sri Ravi Shankar...and i read it and i felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. like time stopped and i was not of this earth. it validated everything in my life right now. and i am still in shock.
here is part of what it said: (he was addressing the issue of restlessness...and how to respond if you are undergoing restlessness...which i feel i have been the most ever if my entire life.)

"The fifth type of restlessness is rare. It is the restlessness of the soul. When everything feels empty and meaningless, know you are very fortunate. That longing and restlessness is the restlessness of the soul. Do not try and get rid of it. Embrace it! Welcome it! Ususally to get rid of it people do all sorts of things-they change places, jobs or partners, do this, do that. It seems to help for some time, but it does not last.

This restlessness of the soul alone can bring authentic prayer in you. It brings perfection, Siddhis and miracles in life. It is so precious to get that inner most longing for the Divine. Satsang, the presence of the enlightened one, soothes the restlessness of the soul."--Sri Sri Ravi Shankar.

I am still trying to grasp everything He is saying. But you see I have felt so empty and meaningless latley. Searching for more. Yet I have not been sad. Just very uninterested in things and people that normally attract me. I have been finding myself out with friends or doing something that I normally would love...and i feel so disconnected...like a total outsider..."in" it but not "apart" of it. But actually prefering it this way. Not having any desire to want to be involved or interested. Viewing things, people, myself and experiences from a completley new space. I have been wondering what is wrong with me. I have been wanting to move to a different city...get away from all ive known. Had no desire to be social. But almost the happiest ive been in my entire life...it just hasnt been making any sense. You would think I would be in a dark place from my actions...yet I love it. So if I can put a label/explanation on what Im feeling as "restlessness of the soul" they hell why not. I really feel this may be a crucial element as to what I am going through. So I am going to do just what Sri Sri recommends. I am not going to resist this restlessness. I am going to embrace it. let myself feel the way I do. this life and everything it entails is so fascinating and strange....i am forever an observer and analyzer of it. the more i learn the more confused i get. who knows where my path is taking me...but i do know that if it continues to twist and turn like it has recently then i will be forever entertained.