from the depths of the deep, dark, hidden past.

since the trend of me this week seems to be digging thru past journal entries and rummaging thru old photos i feel complelled to share this. another part of me. that normally i would hold deep inside. i have never shared this entry with anyone or really talked about the subject to a single soul. the pain i have kept inside. and only voiced in my most alone moments. but looking back on this entry i cannot believe how much i have grown and surrended to the broken heart i once experienced. when i wrote this 4+ years ago (i was so young and open). i havent spoken to the boy it is about in over 2 years. and i feel by completely removing him from my life. i was able to completely let go. i often think of him now. but reading this passage from my past. i cannot believe how heart broken i was. and i am amazed at how i was able to move on and heal. i wrote it while on a plane coming home from a trip. it was in these moments that i felt my world was ending and my whole heart was collapsing. i was deeply hurt for a long time. now i am stronger and so very grateful to have experienced this. it has given me a new appreciation for love. and existence. and shown me that no matter how painful and event or moment is...it too shall pass.
"the immense pain i have/feel sucks. my heart feels like a black hole sucking all desires and "prana" from me. tears flow like hot streams down my cheeks. why have i brought myself here to undergo this pain again? he has never done/said anything to make me feel good or wanted. why is it i want him? does he not feel anything? is this a trick from the heavens? what is the point? is there a point? i feel not, yet i wonder if i will ever be able to look back on this and feel different. will i ever have someone feel the way i feel on him about me? sometimes life seems so unbearable and i wonder what the point even is. the more i learn the more confused i become.
I am scared. i dont know where i am going and what my purpose is. i fear where i am headed but know it will be beautiful. how do some people have so much direction? there are 1,000,000+ things i want to experience-yet i cant even handle a broken heart. everyone experiences a broken heart. i hate it. i am trying to rid myself of resistance and let myself be sad. instead of pushing the pain away. only making it bigger. will he ever find love? will i? together? why? the mind is such a trap? am i new in this whole game of love?
where am i going? i am alone. i am scared. yet i am excited-not really...just curious. why/how is it that someone with such a young age can feel so much pain? my life is beautiful, my family, my friends, my health, my love; yet why do i feel pain? am i selfish? why do i dwell and over analyze?

crushed. the truth has struck me so hard. i wish to do nothing. nothing at all. paralyzed in truth. by truth. there is nothing there. for me. yes. for him. no. he feels not what i feel. how is this possible? how can one person feel so deeply and the other nothing. indifferent? unaware. undesiring to know more. my whole body swells with tears. my being sinks deeper and deeper. i do not want to return but i dare not resist. why is it that this phenomenon occurs? it should not be this way. i feel i have lost a part of me. i have been eclipsed. so extreme. i was doing so well. but now i return to this place of wonder. the wonder has disipated and all that is left is dark. deep night. no stars. just pure agony. who can i tell this to? no one understands. they think i am over reacting. i thought i was too in the begining. tried to ignore it for months. but now i am reminded of the sadness attached. i feel so free in parts of my life, yet so trapped and scared in others. i saw potential, love, healing, comfort. He? i dont know. its becoming more and more obvious that he never felt anything. i kept creating a whole role for myself. a complete illusion. i still love him. in a pure way. i fear for him. the thought of being forever gone from him sounds unbearable and makes me sick. i hate the fact i feel this way. i want to be moved on. forever erased. i want to spit the memories out and never look back. the lows are worse than the highs are better. and yet he feels nothing. why? why? how could this be? am i crazy? how could i feel so strong and get nothing back?
i am crushed because i know it is time for me to forget and progress forward. i feel like the truth is screaming at me. the brightest light. yet i keep covering my ears and closing my eyes. denying the truth. i fear ever telling him, it would ruion everything. yet there is nothing. what other confermation do i need?
its time to let go. forever.
goodbye pain. goodbye love.
hello pain. goodbye love.
you are gone.
and i accept."