i miss it sooo bad. i never imagined in a million years i would feel so much love for a single city. it all started when i was 5 and used to love to waking up thanksgiving morning to turn on the TV and watch the thanksgiving day parade. i used to beg my mom to take the whole family to NYC for thanksgiving...telling her it would be perfect and she wouldnt have to cook and was constantly trying to bargain with her all so i could go be on the streets of new york city at a measley age of 5. i even used to have my dad rent me tons of movies that were filmed in new york and i would watch them over and over again just so i could see new york city. i would dream of one day being there...living the role. i think some of my favorites were look who's talking, ghostbusters.... i was even a huge fan of teenage mutant ninja turtles....the love for the city that i had never been to continued to grow as i got older...but with school and the typical teenage life the desires got put on the back burner...and my longing to live near the ocean in california started to take over my mind.. i became a sucker for the ocean in middle school with our family get aways to carmel california. in high school my friends used to joke and call me a mermaid due to having an obsession with water...water became my sanctuary. i swam varsity swimming all four years in high school...and was constantly traveling to california for swim meets.my senior year i dreamt of moving to LA and pursuing my love of art and being close to my favorite beaches. but for many reasons i ended up staying in my hometown. loving college to the max...but always inside feeling like there was something more. that i really didnt belong in business school..at this time in my life. i would cry to my mom constantly telling her i wanted a change...something more...and she would support and reject me by telling me to find what i love and once i graduate i could move anywhere in the world....these feelings intensified with my random travels over the past four years to many captivating places far and wide from australia to all over north america. everytime i turn around it seems like i am researching a new destination to explore. my mom gets very annoyed thinks that instead of pouring my money into travel i should be focusing on school and saving. i totally see her point. but what if the opportunity never presents itself again. my motto is just do it. this is how i ended up in nyc both times.
my first time was last july...for only 2 days (i had just driven from new orleans all the way to philly with a group...so instead of undergoing the 30+ hour car rise home i ditched and set off to nyc solo to sightsee for a few days). it was quite an eye opener. lets just put it this way...i was exausted, broke, alone and overwhellmed with not a single person out of the 9 million living there that i could claim as a friend or even an aquainstance. i loved it and hated it. i spent the whole time in silence gawking at the scenery soaking up the experience. i was staying in a hostel and my clothes and backpack had been soaked in dirty water cause the swamp cooler burst.. so i was pretty much lookin the bum role...i didnt give a flying shit though cause i was so over the limit in all areas of my life that i just went comepletely with it.
then life took me back to reno to continue with my last year of school and the seed had been planted on how i was wanting to get out of reno. now i say this with love. i get so sick of hearing people in reno bitch and moan about how they want out of reno cause blah blah blahhhh its not "cool" enough....or its a shit town. bullshit. i love reno. its my stompin grounds. it has given me a beautiful life and my most treasured people and memories are here. its in my blood...and has come a long way....and continues to do so. BUT.... my travels to new york over spring break have completley shifted the way i think.
since being home i cant stop thinking about the city. i miss it so much. i even cried as i took the train out of nyc into philly on our last day. i shocked myself. i was sitting on the train listening to the new cat power album (which by the way is awesome...over 5 people have mentioned it to me over the past 2 weeks) being all cry baby. and before you knew it a rush of warm tears started to pour down my cheeks as i watched the tip of the empire state building fade out of vision. from that moment on...i have felt like i am missing apart of me. i know it sounds completely wack and its just a city i know nothing about....but new york did something to me. taught me some huge lessons....and i was only there for 6 days. i only wonder what it would do for me if i was there for 6 months.
i miss everything about it. the smells, the constant noise, the chaos, the filth, the overloads of people, the tall buildings, the small spaces, the nights, the street art, the dirty subway, the people and everlasting, neverending, diversity of people. everyone there is so beautiful...even the "not so beautuful" people....are beautiful in such unique ways. i was falling in love with so many foreign things that i would normally resist. i couldnt believe how accepting i was twoards such a huge city..considering where i have been in my life lately. (ive been quite anti-social mainly just diving into my studies and pursuing personal interests.) my mom has become my new best friend. a fun night for me lately is going home to my familys house watching episodes of the office with my mom laughing. im just not finding much pleasure recently in the whole going out scene...not that im better than it. i just would rather be at home with my closest people doing things i love. dont get me wrong..i def have my phases of going out...then dropping off the face of the earth....but lately...i love being MIA. i actually just got a job at a new bar downtown...and i think i may be dreading it. i really dont want to be around anyone in that scence right now.
this is why i loved new york. i didnt know anyone except a few people who i spent such little time with...i felt like i was alone. i loved feeling like a goldfish thrown into the big ocean. it was so humbling. you see latley i have been feeling so sick of everything. not depressed or crazy like i was feeling a year ago...just kinda sick of just "existing" the way i am...like i want more..i want to be free. sometimes i wish life was like a video where you could fast forward, pause and edit things out that have no use or cause too much pain. start over i guess. or just begin a new chapter.
i loved that fact that i was so far away from home. i never thought of reno once when i was there. not even my family. it was weird. i felt very comfortable there. which is strange cause lately i have been so close to my family...and felt like i need them to get through the tough times. which i do..to a certain extent.....but i realized how much i can do on my own. its exhilerating. i have spent quite a lot of time out of reno away from my "comfort zone" in the past...but there has always been a tint of homesicknesses to the experience...and i was always so happy to come home. but now i feel like i am finally ready to set off and explore on my own...and make all new friends and start pursuing things that have always interested me without missing home to the extent i would have before. its the most foreign feeling to me. i feel like i am a completely new person. like i am not scared...yet scared shitless. it has been occuring to me that less than one year from now i have absolutley NO clue where in the world i will be or what i will be doing. the truth is i can actually being doing whatever the hell i want. i will have NO obligations..or things holding me back (God willing)...to me that is so scary. i have had school keeping me grounded for basically my whole life. and now that chapter is almost to an end...and now i am up to bat. its my turn to decide where i go next. that scares me to death...yet when i really feel it out...i am sooo excited. it gives me the chills.
for the first time in my life..i feel so confident that i will be ok. i really dont care what anyone says or thinks. which is such leaps and bounds to where i was a few years back. i was so dependent on what my family thought...friends influenced me....now i seriously dont care. ive gone from being really social and consumer happy....to not desiring things...or certain people and situations. i feel everyone goes through this in some way. most 19 and 20 year olds are in someway controlled by what they think others want....or image. now i just want to be myself...and if one finds it not suiting to their own taste than they arent for me to begin with. ive learned that you cant please everyone. and everyone is not going to like you. so basically you kinda just have to move to your own beat. and the ones who "get it" or relate...then they are the golden ones. the ones to hold on to.
its weird i was talking to a friend the other night...and i realized how i really have nothing holding me to reno....compared to my other friends. most of them have obligations here. such as relationships...work...ect ect. i have none of that. and at times when ive felt lonely and wondered why i havent met my "one" yet....or even someone who i feel i could be with for a long period of time...i am sort of grateful that it hasnt happend yet. i kinda feel there is a purpose for that. and when i look back on the guys i have had things with...i am sorta happy they didnt work out...cause who knows....now i have more freedom to pursue my ambitions...and be "free." i look at some of my friends who have sooo much potential and talent...but are now in very serious relationships...and i feel that it has in someway sort of trapped them down...like they now have to answer for two...and they cant just get up tomorrow and move to wherever they want...cause they are now 2. not just one. they have sort of put their passions on the back burner. this is such a beautiful thing though too. to have so much love and connection with one person...that you are willing to sacrifice your wants in some ways in order to make things work. but i feel that we are so young and we have the rest of our lives to be in "love"...so why not be in "love" with yourself now....and make yourself a better person...and really internally grow?? cause if you cant love yourself...then how in the hell do you expect someone else to love you?? its also funny cause i was talking to one of my friends ...and he made a comment about a girl he had been with...and said something along the lines of how it was strange to him that after every time they had been together...she would immediately put her clothes back on. this struck me as odd. cause the girl he was talking about...you would never consider to be ugly...or have a reason to be insecure. i cant imagine being in love with someone...and not being able to be comfortable in your skin around them. people become the victims of their minds. and i would think that when you are in love you would ignore your mind and just be. cause love it so much deeper than just the thoughts and the mind. it just made me realize that no matter what age, size or whatever a girl is...there are still insecurities. i am starting to really love my body. there have been times in my life...where i have been in complete war with my body and mind...what a battle. its so not worth it. you end up torturing yourself..for pleasure that doesnt exist. when you start to love the skin youre in....no matter what...is when the real beauty shines through. the older i get the more i am starting to see beauty in things that i noramlly would not. i really do think everyone for the most part is so beautuful in their own ways. beauty is in the eye of the beholder. i have met some very attractive people....and they can be the most ugly people on the inside...in turn making themselves so ugly on the outside. and then i have met some very "average" people...and they can be so beautiful and confident on the inside...that they end up lighting up an entire room..when they enter...due to their energy and beauty from within. making them the sought after ones. treating your body with respect is so important. feeding it healthy things. my new motto i am trying to abide by...is....if it doesnt come from the ground....dont eat it. its hard...but i have never felt better. my workouts are becoming more intense...and i just feel more confident in my skin. yet...i have a ways to go..until i reach my goal. but really its all about the journey not the destination.
but back to new york. overall i am in love. with a city. every moment there seemed to be dripping in opportunity. pretty much whatever you love or have an interest in...most likely you can find it there. i love that instead of going out and gettingwasted with your friends on a friday night...you can go to the museums...or go see a show. there is always something new. i also met some people when i was in brooklyn...from the bay area...and they were telling me how at first....you get really depressed and homesick....and overwhellmed..but after a year or so...you start to adjust to the lifestyle. i want that. not the hardtimes....but just being somewhere so far away from home...that i cant just pack all my shit up and leave. where i will be forced to live and make it work.
i was at lunch with my dad today...and i broke the news to him on my love affair with the city...and how i cant quit thinking about it. and how i am so ready to leave reno for awhile. and suprisingly...he was so supportive of me. he told me to move there and finish shcool. which completley shocked me. but his words really sank in. while i dont think i will actually move there and finish school...i feel like its time to get there. i have a few friends moving there in september...and i think i may just be a few months behind them.
ive never before felt more ready to do something in my life. for the first time in a long time. i am feeling really good. and i am wanting to take this and go pursue my dreams.
for now the game plan is as follows:
finish the semester.
fly to montreal canada on the 22nd of may to attend a 6 week internship on organinc agriculture. which i am so stoked for. i know its going to be absoulutely life altering. and i cant wait to get there. i am planning on taking a video camera and filming daily..in order to make a documentary. i hear montreal and qubec in the summer are jaw dropping beautiful and i cant wait. then after the internship...i will have the option to stay and work in the garden for as long as i want...which i will play by ear...but then my next goal is to take a train back into nyc. and stay until school starts and film and explore by myself. i really want to dive into the whole world of film and editing. it has always been a large interest of mine...and i am quite the amatuer...but i really want to film everything and anything in nyc this summer. i want to go out everyday and capture something crazy and foreign and then make a big documentary or movie at the end of the summer. even though i still have SOO much to learn about filming...i am so compelled to move forward with it. if i think about it...i actually like being in the "learning" stage of a passion. its like being in the "honeymoon" stage of a relationship...everything is new, foreign, exciting...lighthearted. so i am ready to learn as much as possible in the whole world of film. and hopefully decide for real if i could see myself living in the city after graduation in december.
i am ready to move on. i am ready to learn. i want more. i want to find a purpose. a reason. figure it out. start a new chapter. grow. become a better person. i am ready to face fears. ready to try things i would have never considered. open my mind.
i am ready.
"Change, change, change, I want to get up out of my skin tell you what if I can shake it I'm 'a make this something worth dreaming of"....(santogold)
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