place where the space makes for a dream.

im freaking out. this is all to sureal. i dont know how to organize my thoughts lately. i am all over the place. like splatter paint. i used to be like a smooth water color. now? i am like a big kadinsky. a freaky whirl of color. and crazy spots. everywhere. i just dont know where i am going and what i am thinking. im in a place where the space makes for a dream. im having a hard time discoverin a new direction. i want to go every direction. feel like i am being pulled to every corner. of every thought.
today was the weirdest of weird. i havent had a day like today in quite awhile. i used to have these spells growing up where i would be paralyzed by the inablility to make a decision. i would get too confused and end up making no decision. i think its cause i am so tierd latley. and plauged by my thoughts or lack of that i am feeling this way. something is seriously happening within me. i love it and i loathe it. i have no clue..no clue. no clue where i am headed. no clue. no clue what to expect. i could be married off a year from now to a prince in a far away land in russia...for all i know. and really if the situation presented itself. i could do it. cause nothing here would be stopping me. what in the hell is this whole thing called life all about???? ive been presented with so many different theories outlooks ideas..whatever you want to call it. i am at a halt. i have no clue what to think. i just know that in the whole scheme of things. i am so small. that my actions. my thoughts. my awareness is so minute. in the overlook of existence. i am paralyzed by this and i am exhilerated by this. depends on my mood.
like i mentioned earlier. i have been very drained lately due to my crazy schedule. im not concerned though. cause soon school will be over. and i will look back and miss these crazy days of deadlines and all nighters. and soon summer will be here. and i will find myself relaxed laying on the cool grass on a summers night looking up at the stars.....not even concerned with school or classes...and just being. so i am not concerned with feeling this way for now it will pass. but it is not school and the stress from it that causes me to be where i am right now. it is my own inner shifting and turomoil that i am sifting through that is causing me to feel the way i feel.
i have not been meditating lately or practicing much yoga. i have been completely detached from all that. i dont know why. i feel very peaceful and content though. i am basically having no desire for it. i dont know why. maybe this is why my brain in moving at an all time high.
it occured to me tonight that i am getting old. i am already 22. i cannot believe this. i am old enough to be married. i am old enough to have a child and not have people consider that unexceptable. this freaks me out. i still feel like i have so much growing to do.
people are moving. moving on. starting their own lives. best friends are finding true love. family is aging. time is really passing by so quickly. this scares me. i want to hold on. not let go. my best friend and i were talking today and she was saying how she wants to have children by the time she is 30. and that she would love it if we were pregnant at the same time. this freaked me out. what?! that is only 7 years away. i could not believe this. children. yes i want them. i already know i want to name my first born brooklyn...but wow in less than 10 years i could have kids. my life is flying past me. and i think why i am freakin so hard latley and really feeling like i have never felt before. is because i am coming to terms with this. school is coming close to an end. all the people i have gotten so used to over the past 5, 10, 15+ years are gone.. moving on....and well now i am moving on too. and i know that the majority of them i will loose contact with. and this is so sad to me. why?
the other side of me is so ready to detatch myself from all this. start the rest of my life. but to do this. i must face the present moment. cause the only way i will get into the future is by living in the present moment. the future is nothing but a bunch of presesnt moments that are all linked to eachother. never stopping. never looking back.
today i was in a weird mood. i woke up this way. i felt very out of it. maybe it was due to the fact i had a cloud over my head of the stuff i needed to get done on my one day of rest...but for whatever reason....i just could not get motivated. i hung out with my best friend for the day. we both get in these moods time to time. and when we come into eachothers company when we are like this. then watch out...cause it it one big procrastination fest...filled with everything except with what we are avoiding. in my case school. cleaning. and working out. in her case school and the BF. we ended up sitting in her car for almost 2 hours talking. be lame. making up scenarios. being dorks. then i had to get freaky. and when i feel like everything is stagnant in my life. i feel like i have to do something really crazy to spice it up. so i suggested that we go and get something periced. since i could never get a tattoo. (cause i have a weird feeling that if i did i wouldnt be able to stop...im a weird impulsive person. and i would take it overboard...and then get super bummed i did...cause i would get sick of them...and have a panic attack that it was on me for life.....so ive banned myself from tatoos for now. plus to me there is nothing more sexy than being pure and natural with the body and leaving it as is). however today i suggested that we go and get peirced. she agreed and we got all excited and rushed down to the shop. we decided i would get my monroe and she would get her treg's. we got there and i started to freak. cause the guys were all hyper and they were smoking ciggarettes and i grossed out. so automatically i freaked. and she told me to calm down and get outta my head. so i did. and i was about to get it done. then i backed out. ive always wanted my monroe peirced...but i thought about the scar it would leave when i take it out. and i just couldnt scar my face like that. all for a silly little pericing...that i would get sick of in a few months. im glad i didnt cuase afterwards i asked my brothers what they thought of that pericing and they both said it looked trashy on girls. so im glad.